Dearest easily-distracted, slow-paced, pests,
I love nothing more than walking down the cheery halls of Wantagh High School to all your bright and shining faces on a Monday morning, especially when someone in front of me stops walking to text and I spill my Starbucks coffee on myself. Actually, I love anything more than that. I’d prefer to cuddle with a boa constrictor and bathe with a prianha over wasting the essential morning cup of joe.
What in the world is so hard about walking? Most of you have been walking for about 14 years now. Why do you lose function of your legs when you step foot in the high school? First your brains, now your legs, what’s next?
Not only can you not properly walk, but most of you are rude and have no regard for anyone in the hallway. All five feet of me has been shoved around by you all countless times. No attempts to say sorry, just a continuation of your walk to class. Be aware of your surroundings, have some humanity and consideration.
Texting and walking has “G2G, lol.”. Really, though, stop texting your friends saying “Going 2 class lol.” Not only is that pointless, it’s annoying for those who have to wait while you text. Don’t make me suffer because you can’t multi-task. I’m utterly shocked you all can breathe and think at the same time. Honestly, I’m even shocked you’re thinking period. Put down the phone, and pick up your feet.
As much as I love texting and walking, nothing puts a smile on my face quite like when you all stop in the hallway to talk to your friend at their locker. If I was a car I would have hit you, and it’s unfortunate that I’m not a car. I would feel no remorse for running you off the road. It’s inconsiderate for you to stop to turn around and sequentially make me spill scalding hot coffee on myself. Next time, I’ll be sure to tip my cup foreward and scorch your backs.
Why is it that I have to shove my ways through the halls? The hallway is like a clogged artery and I’m just a little blood cell trying to get by. Consequentially you’ll all have a heart-attack from your inability to clear the way. If you all kept up at one pace, there would be no need for my frustration.
Consider walking in the hallways like you would drive a car. You don’t stop short. You don’t text and drive. And you certainly don’t crash into people. Pick up your feet, or I’ll make a personal call to the DMV and have your license revoked.
You have four minutes to get to class, get there and get out of my way,